Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls
by StarESP4Cat
Summary: What if Charlie father twin girls with one of his past one night stands? Let's see what ensues! CHAPTER SIX IS UP AND RUNNING!
1. The Subpoena

Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls

Charlie/OC or Charlie/Rose

6th Season is fair game

What if Charlie fathered now teenage twin girls with one his numerous one night stands from the past? How will Jake react to having cousins he didn't know about? What will Evelyn do with her newly found granddaughters? Will Alan be thrilled about having two nieces? How will his favorite 'stalker' Rose react to the news? Let's see what ensues.

A/N: This is my very first 'Two and a Half Men' fan fiction story. Please bear with me!

A/N2: I worked as a legal secretary at a power company for about a year several years ago. I had some exposure of various legal documents the company was sent or had been served.

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Two and Half Men', CBS and Warner Brothers does. I only own my original characters.

The Subpoena

Charlie woke up next with his latest one night stand. She woke up soon afterwards with a smile. He spooned her as they resumed their love making. They were disrupted by some noises from downstairs.

"Listen Zippy or Whiney Pinhead, if you keep on annoying me about your food preferences," a woman's booming voice said. "I will see to it that you sleep on the deck."

"What's going on?" the girl asked.

"My brother Alan is annoying my housekeeper Berta over something," Charlie said as he got out of bed. "I'll check it out."

His date huffed and stayed in bed while Charlie got dressed.

"Will you be back for more love?" she asked.

"As soon as I kick my brother's ass," he smirked.

Charlie went down the stairs to see Berta grabbing Alan by his shirt collar. He just wanted to laugh, but knew better.

"Charlie, what do you want me to do with your brother," Berta asked. "This Whiney Pinhead here is driving me insane with his whining about his choice in milk among other things. Who is the boss around here?"

"I am," Charlie replied. "Just let the Whiney Pinhead go, I mean Alan. I'll deal with him later."

"Charlie, can you tell Berta the difference between whole milk, low-fat milk and acidophilus milk?" Alan protested. "She keeps on buying me the wrong milk again and again!"

"Alan, you keep up that whining and I will force you to pay rent," Charlie threatened. "The only reason why I don't charge you rent is that you and Jake are family."

"Don't I get a say in the grocery list?" Alan asked. "Jake can have all the chips, hot dogs, frozen pizza and pancakes he wants."

"Did someone say hot dogs and pancakes?" a teenage boy entered. "Did Berta bring some for me?"

"I am sure she did," Alan replied. "Don't you have homework to do? You have a science project due next week. How much have you done so far on that?"

"I haven't even started yet," Jake proudly responded.

"Are you telling me the truth?" Alan asked. "Or did you conveniently begin it and left it at your mother's house?"

"I never started it," Jake was slightly on the defensive.

"Get your ass to your room and begin working on your project!" Alan snapped. "You are now getting on my nerves!"

"Okay!" Jake walked slowly.

Alan just shook his head and was fuming about over how Jake still refused to take his education seriously.

"Charlie, come back!" the shrieking girl screamed from upstairs disrupting Alan's train of thought.

"I am coming right now!" Charlie shouted back.

A knock on the door interrupted Charlie from going upstairs to his bedroom. He slowly opened the door and saw a not so attractive young woman outside.

"Are you Charles Harper?" she asked.

"Yes, that's me," he replied with a small.

"Consider yourself served, have a nice day," she said as she handed him a document and left.

Charlie looked at the document and a read it to himself. He froze and dropped it on the floor. Berta and Alan saw that Charlie didn't move and they rushed to his side. Berta waved her hand across his face and got no response from her employer.

"Charlie, are you okay?" Alan asked and saw the document that was next to his brother's feet. "What is this paper?"

Berta squatted down and picked it up. She read it and shrugged.

"What does it say?" Alan asked.

"Charlie has been subpoenaed for a paternity test by one of his past one night stands," Berta was blunt. "She wants to know if Charlie fathered her twin daughters. Wow, his sperm probably found an egg or two to connect."

"I have to take some sort of test," Charlie came out of his trance. "I could be the girls' father. Who did I make love to and how long ago?"

TBC


	2. The Mulling

Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls

Charlie/OC

After a brief catatonic moment, Charlie reflects upon his distant past one night stands.

A/N: This is my very first 'Two and a Half Men' fan fiction story. Please bear with me!

A/N2: I apologize for not updating this story sooner; I was busy with other projects and a minor case of writer's block for this chapter. I'll try to get the next one ready as soon as possible.

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Two and Half Men', CBS and Warner Brothers does. I only own my original characters.

The Mulling

About an hour later, Charlie's latest bimbo left and he was alone with his brother, nephew and housekeeper. He somberly walked toward his couch with the legal document in his hand. After sitting in a slightly slouched position, he started reading the request for a paternity test.

"Uncle Charlie, what is a paternity test?" Jake asked reading over Charlie's shoulder.

"Jake, didn't your parents teach you it is rude to look over someone else's shoulder when that someone else is reading?" Charlie asked sharply.

"I don't think so," his nephew replied.

"Uh, Jake, why don't we leave Uncle Charlie alone with his thoughts," Alan took the teenager aside. "Give him some space and do that science project!"

"I just want to know what is the matter with him," Jake protested.

"Go to your room and do the project!" Alan angrily shouted. "I am going to call your mother about what you did!"

"Alan, you might want to shout louder," Charlie said. "I don't think the rest of the world heard you."

Alan just scoffed in anger at Charlie's comments and followed Jake to his bedroom to make sure he did his assignment.

"You are not to leave this room until you are at least halfway done with your homework!" Alan shouted. "Or better yet, we'll go to your mother's and get that project. When we return, I expect you to go to your room and stay there until you have finished your project."

"Whatever!" Jake groaned.

Charlie got up from the couch and went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of Jack Daniels. He returned to the couch and started drinking the liquor. As he racked his brain figuring out which of his past conquests he had managed to knock up. After finishing his drink, he closed his eyes and fell asleep. In his mind's eye, he looked back during the early to mid 1990s. The twin girls were likely conceived late 1991 to early 1995.

"Who did I get pregnant during that time?" his conscience asked. "Was it Angelica, Cathy, Jana, Brenda, Sara, Anya, Johanna, Olivia, Lisa, Kimberly, Ashley, Dominique, Serena, Claudine, Marissa, Jasmine, Nicole or Rachel? Shit! I must have slept with too many women to remember who I allegedly knocked up!"

Charlie's mind's eye continued to look into his past to search for any woman that probably was pissed off at him. It turned out to be a mental exercise in futility, there were at least half the female population of the Los Angeles area that are mad as hell at him.

His mind's eye finally encountered the memory of the only one night stand that he had hoped that would turn into something more. He loved her dearly, but her father and his mother were in cahoots to sabotage that relationship. She blamed him for breaking her heart and she told him that she was pregnant and he was the father. He replied that he could not be the father since he had a condom. She slapped him in the face and told him she never wanted to see him again. He was sure that these girls were asking their mother about their father. That probably opened up a can of worm for her or she regretted dumping him.

"It had to be Julianne!" Charlie shouted from his sleep.

"Who is Julianne?" Jake somehow snuck up behind his uncle.

"Damn it, Jake!" Charlie snapped. "You could have given me a heart attack!"

"Sorry about that," Jake sighed with intense sarcasm and his eyes rolled up. "Seriously, I want to know who this Julianne is!"

"She was a girl I was seeing for a few months," Charlie told his nephew. "She was the only one that I had been steady with. I was thinking about marrying her, but your grandmother and Julianne's father started dating each other and sabotaged any future plans for to further our relationship."

"Wait!" Jake interrupted. "What does sabotaged mean?"

How did this dumbass pinhead get into whatever grade he is currently in now, Charlie thought. Besides the reason being that he could no longer fit into a sixth grader's desk. Soon he would be too big to fit into a junior high school student's desk, then they will have to promote this butthead to high school.

"Hello, I am still waiting for a response," Jake grew restless.

"It means to destroy or ruin something or someone intentionally," Charlie shrugged.

"Thank you," Jake beamed. "You can now continue with the story."

"Things became complicated when Julianne announce that she was pregnant and that I was the father," Charlie continued. "I denied that I was the father. We argue, she slapped me in the face and told me that she never wanted to see me again. That was 16 years ago! I think her daughters wanted to know about their real father. Still, I am not if I am the father of these girls."

"Maybe you should take whatever test," Jake said.

"Gee, that is the smartest thing Mr. Skidmarks has said in sometime," Berta interrupted as she was cleaning the floor. "Charlie, you need to listen to the finite wisdom of this kid."

"I'll go for the test," Charlie acquiesced and promptly changed the subject. "Hey, don't you have a project to do?"

"We had just got back from Judith and Herb's house to pick up this," Alan replied carrying the project to Jake's room. "You were passed out when I took him to his mom's place."

Jake quickly disappeared into his room while Alan was about to follow when Berta gave him a death glare.

"What was that all about?" Alan asked.

"If Jake makes a mess on the floor or the furniture," Berta hissed as she pulled Alan by his shirt. "You both are going to clean it up, not me! Am I making myself clear, Zippy?"

"Yes ma'am, I'll make sure we cover the precious floors and Jake's bedroom furniture or you'll make us clean or eat it," Alan replied with clenched teeth.

"Zippy, I am so glad you are willing to help keep this place clean," Berta smirked and continued with her work.

Charlie grabbed the receiver of the cordless phone from its base as well as the legal document. He went to an area in his house where Berta, Alan, Jake nor Rose (who constantly invited herself to his place whether he liked it or not) could bother him. He made two phone calls, the first to his lawyer and the second to the nearest medical lab.

TBC

A/N3: In the next chapter or two, I will bring in Rose and Evelyn. I don't know when I'll introduce Julianne and the twins (I will also figure out names from them).


	3. Lawyers and Lab Work

Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls

Charlie/OC

Charlie speaks with his lawyer and he goes to the nearby lab for the paternity test. Rose joins him for moral support.

A/N: This is my very first 'Two and a Half Men' fan fiction story. Please bear with me!

A/N2: From now until the end of the story, I am incorporating the chapter title at some point into the story. It could be at the beginning, middle or the end of the chapter. Just like the writers of the show do with the title of each episode.

A/N3: I apologize for the delay in writing and publishing this chapter. I suffered a nasty case of writer's block. Also, my muse was hibernating at times (she really needs to wake up and smell the mocha hazelnut latte whether she likes it or not!). For those who ask if I am going to continue with this story or not, don't worry, I have no intentions of discontinuing it. Give me time and you will be rewarded!

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Two and Half Men', CBS and Warner Brothers does. I only own my original characters.

Lawyers and Lab Work Can Be Hazardous to Your Sanity

Rose drove Charlie to his lawyer with his car. She had the urge to flip the bird several time, but her concern was with her love interest as they sat through traffic. She started to lightly hyperventilate.

"Hey, I should be the one hyperventilating," Charlie hissed. "You are not talking with a lawyer and getting some sort of DNA test that will determine the paternity of two girls."

"Don't forget I have a Masters degree in psychology."

"This is not helping!"

"Charlie, I am trying to get you to your appointments with both of us each in one piece!"

"I am sorry! I am anxious to find out whether or not I am a father."

"If it turns out that you fathered these girls, would you introduce them to your mom, brother and nephew?"

"I don't know about how my mom will react to having new granddaughters. I know that Alan would be happy about having nieces, but he will be jealous since he always wanted a daughter. He would have to settle for being their uncle and not their father. Jake, probably he would flirt with them if they are beauties. I have to tell him that the two girls are his first cousins."

"If they are your daughters, your mom has the right to know them."

"No, she will likely scar them for life emotionally. I don't even know what they look like. I just hope that they don't look like female versions of Jake."

"Charlie, don't say that about your nephew."

"I don't want my possible daughters to be knuckleheads like Jake. What were you thinking I would say?"

"Charlie, I thought you would say something about his weight."

"I wouldn't say that. I think Jake inherited that from Judith's side of the family."

"Okay, I think traffic is moving somewhat quickly. You'll get to your lawyer with plenty of time to spare."

The remainder of the ride was in silence. When they were nearby the building where the law firm was located, Rose drove to the valet parking. After she gave the valet her key, she joined a still nervous Charlie who was pacing back and forth.

"Charlie, stop pacing like a crazy idiot and talk to your lawyer," Rose snapped.

"Yes, ma'am! I shall stop my stupid pacing and see him now."

"Do you want me there when you talk to him?"

"No, you could wait in the reception area. He'll think you are the mother of those girls, not Julianne."

They entered the office suite where they were greeted by a middle aged receptionist. She asked Charlie to sign in and asked him what the purpose of his visit was. He told her that it was regarding possible paternity issues. He sat down and Rose gave him a magazine so he could temporarily get his mind off his troubles. A few moments later, a somewhat portly middle aged man appeared and saw the younger man nervously twiddling his thumbs.

"Charles Harper, I have been expecting you," the man said as he extended his hand to meet Charlie's in a firm handshake.

"Aaron, is Julianne in your office with her lawyer?" Charlie asked.

"Relax, Mr. Harper," Aaron replied. "It's just you and me today. However, Julianne and her attorney will want to meet with us in the near future. Who is this woman? Is she your wife?"

"No, this is my neighbor and friend Rose. She is here for moral support and to take me home when I have blood drawn for the paternity test."

"Enchantée," Rose shook the lawyer's hand.

"Rose, would you like to join us?" the older man asked.

"No thank you," she smiled. "I would rather wait here and read these journals while you discuss legal matters."

The two men entered an office. It was like a stereotypically old fashioned office, but a computer and a cell phone. Aaron invited Charlie to take a seat and after the younger man sat down, he sat on his office chair.

"So, Mr. Harper, I am not going to ask what I can do for you," Aaron stated. "We both know what this is about."

"I know that I could be the father of twin girls," Charlie sighed. "Did Julianne, the mother, and her lawyer meet with you?"

"Yes, they did and he gave me this order for your DNA. Julianne suggested that you get it done right away."

"Does this test hurt?"

"They will swab your cheek and take some blood."

"I hope I don't pass out due to a massive blood loss, let alone the needle inserted in my arm."

"Charlie, it's just a about a teaspoon or two of your blood."

"I know that, but I want to still have vast majority of my blood still in my body."

The two men spent the remainder of the hour taking about legal matters and Charlie's music career. Both men got up and shook hands one more time before Aaron walked with him the reception area.

"Did he behave himself?" Rose asked.

"He was a good boy," Aaron chuckled as he handed Charlie the order for the DNA test.

"I getting a blood test," Charlie whined.

"Rose, it is pleasure to meet you."

"Once again, enchantée!"

As soon as they exited the office, Charlie and Rose went to the car. It would be a full five minutes before Rose started the car. Charlie sat in the front passenger seat and stared into space. Rose waved at his face a few times.

"Charles Harper, stop staring at blank space for the sake of gawking at outer space!" Rose snapped.

"Rose, do you want to scare me to death!" Charlie shouted.

"I'm sorry, but it appeared that you were mentally in another planet."

"Look, I didn't mean to freak you out. I am just thinking about this test."

"Are you also thinking about the ramifications whether or not you are their father?"

"I'll deal with it when the results are revealed. Rose, you went to college. Could you give me a quick overview on how many alleles do each of the twin have in common with me?"

"I took a only two or three courses in biology as an undergraduate, but I can tell you that they each would have 13 alleles in common with each biological parent."

"Okay, it's good to know."

Rose continued to engage Charlie in further conversation in a few subjects while keeping her focus on the road. By the time they arrived at the parking lot of the lab, Charlie was grateful that he didn't have to think about the worst part of the pending tests. After Rose parked her car, Charlie walked toward the building. He was followed by Rose almost immediately and they searched for the suite the testing lab was located. He entered the suite's reception area where he signed in and gave the receptionist the order. When he took a glimpse of the woman, he thought he saw Berta's doppelganger. He immediately sat down after she gave him the death glare. He was called by a technician right away. The younger man escorted him into a room where he prepped his patient for the blood test. Then Charlie had to open his mouth so the tech could swab the inside for cells.

Three hours later, Charlie was back home lying on his couch. He had just woken up and didn't know where he was. The last thing he remembered was being in the reception area of the testing lab.

"Charlie, it's good to see you awake after Jake and I had to help Rose carry you from her car to the couch," Alan smirked.

"I am going to fucking kill her if she had given me a drink with a Mickey in it," Charlie hissed.

"She told me that you passed out after you finished with your tests. She had to get the lab guys to bring you from the lab to her car."

"Uncle Charlie, you are such a dork!" Jake smirked.

"Jake, go to your room and do your homework before I get chewed out by your mother!"

"Okay, don't pop a hemorrhoid!"

"Alan, don't be so hard on him."

"Charlie, if you are the father of these girls, you will have to learn to deal with them if and whenJulianne gives you visitation rights."

After telling his brother the possible truth, Alan walked towards Jake's room. Charlie slowly got up from the couch and went to the kitchen. He took a bottle of beer from the refrigerator and opened it. He took one sip and a sat at the kitchen table.

"Ah, lawyers and lab work can be hazardous to your sanity!" Charlie groaned and continued to drink his beer.

TBC (AKA: MEEEEEEEEEN!)


	4. Zippy, Just Give Your Brother

Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls

Charlie/OC

A few weeks pass by and Charlie receives the results of the DNA test. Is he the father of Julianne's twin daughters?

A/N: This is my very first 'Two and a Half Men' fan fiction story. Please bear with me!

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Two and Half Men', CBS and Warner Brothers does. I only own my original characters.

Zippy, Just Give Your Brother the Damn Envelope!

_A Few Weeks Later_

"Here is the mail," Jake said as he entered Charlie's house after his mother dropped him off.

"Thanks, Mr. Skidmarks," Berta smirked. "Have you seen what your Uncle Charlie is doing at times since that day he met with his lawyer and had those tests?"

"Yeah, he has been pacing around like an idiot for several hours a day. And people think I do moronic things!"

Berta put the mail on the kitchen table and went about her business. Alan entered the kitchen and fiddled around with the mail to see if there was anything for him. He noticed an envelope that caught his attention even though it was addressed to Charlie. He personally wanted to give it to his brother for reasons unbeknownst to anyone.

Karma is coming to Charlie, I hope, Alan thought as he nearly bumped into Berta.

"Watch where you are going, Zippy!" Berta hissed.

"I am sorry," Alan said. "I was thinking about Charlie and Karma. Speaking of Charlie, have you seen him?"

"Try looking in his room. I'll come with you just to see the reaction on his face."

The subject of their discussion finally decided to come out of his room. He appeared disheveled despite showering. He ignored his brother and housekeeper and slumped on the couch with his hands covering his face. Alan was about to approach him until Berta stopped him.

"I don't think you show approach him in any way, shape or form," Berta said.

"He's my brother, Berta," Alan said. "I am worried about him ever since he came home from visiting his lawyer and the lab."

"Still, he may rip out a body part or an organ from your body. I suggest you proceed with caution."

Alan slowly approached his slumped spaced-out brother. He was careful not to make any sudden moves since he valued his body. There was also a chance that Charlie could possibly kill him.

"Charlie, get yourself out of that dumb spaced-out state that you are in and come back to your beach house in Malibu," Alan said.

There was no response from Charlie, so Alan decided to tempt fate and wave his hand at his brother's face. He knew that is was a big mistake when Charlie roughly grabbed his hand.

"If you ever pull that shit on me again," Charlie snapped. "I will personally rip your arm off its socket and use it for a drumstick!"

"Welcome back to Planet Earth," Alan replied with a wince. "Can I have my hand back, please?"

"Okay, you can have it back when you tell me what the hell is going on!"

"You just got something very important in the mail."

"Unless if the envelope contains my royalty check or a bill; it's not very important to me."

"I guess the possible paternity of twin girls is not as important as a royalty check and/or a bill."

"Alan, you stupid son of a bitch, give me the fucking envelope or I will rip out your small intestine and tie it up into knots."

"No, you don't care about who their father is at all. Just for that, you still aren't going to get it."

"Zippy, just give your brother the damn envelope!" Berta snapped. "If you don't, I will help him rip your guts out of your puny body!"

"Okay, here it is," Alan finally relented and gave Charlie the envelope. "Enjoy your possibly karma. By the way, I value my guts and would like them to stay in my body!"

"Could I have some privacy, please?" Charlie asked as he waved the envelope.

"We should go," Berta said on behalf of herself and Alan.

"I agree," Alan concurred with Berta as she tugged him away from the living room.

Charlie breathed a brief sigh of relief that he need for privacy was respected. Now he hoped that Jake didn't sneak up on him. Another thing that Charlie didn't need was his mother snooping around wondering if she acquired two granddaughters. He carefully opened the envelope and took out its content and read the letter.

"Dear Charles Harper, this is to inform you about the results of the paternity test of Isabella Jillian and Madison Ava Kowalski," Charlie read to himself. "There is a 99.9% certainty that you the father of Isabella and Madison. The probability of any other man fathering Isabella and Madison are one in four trillion."

"Son of a bitch, this can't be happening!" he shouted.

"What can't be happening?" Jake asked as he sauntered towards the kitchen.

"Jake, that was uncalled for and you could have given me a heart attack!" Charlie hissed.

"Sorry about that, but tell me what is going on that you were shouting?"

"You had better sit down for what I have to tell you."

"Oh no, are you dying any time?"

"No, I just learned that I have fathered twin daughters with an ex-girlfriend. Do you know how you are related to them?"

"Could I be their first cousin?"

"That's right."

"Should I tell dad and grandma?"

"I will tell your father, but I would wait on your grandma."

"Why not, she would be happy to have more grandkids?"

"I don't want her to know until I meet them."

The door bell rang and Alan went to answer it. Charlie got scared thinking it was his and Alan's mother, but it turned out to be Judith.

"Jake, you mother is here!" Alan announced.

"Alan, shut the fuck up!" Judith hissed. "I see him with talking with that brother of yours. I wonder what perverted thoughts he can put into a teenager's head."

"Probably Jake and Charlie are talking about school for all we know."

"Uncle Charlie, don't you have something to say?" Jake asked as he got up from the sofa.

"Charlie, did that lab send you the results of the girls' paternity?" Alan asked Charlie.

"Congratulate me!" Charlie beamed proudly. "I am officially the father of twin girls!"

"Jake, let's get out here before your Uncle Charlie spews another lie!" Judith shouted as she dragged him out the door.

"Mom, he is telling the truth," Jake replied, but it was still audible from the outside. "He showed me the results."

My brother has finally been knocked off his pedestal, Alan thought as he closed the door. I hope he will deal with the consequences of his past actions really soon.

TBC (MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEEEEEEEEEN!)


	5. That SheDevil Needs to Back Off

-Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls

Charlie/OC

When Evelyn finds out about Charlie's daughters and she wants details. Julianne pays Charlie a visit.

A/N: This is my very first 'Two and a Half Men' fan fiction story. Please bear with me!

A/N2: In this chapter, its title maybe mentioned at least twice.

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Two and Half Men', CBS and Warner Brothers does. I only own my original characters.

That She-Devil Needs to Butt Out

The phone at the Harper Residence rang constantly and Alan picked it up. He somehow knew that the moment he picked up the phone, he immediately rued the moment his answered.

"Harper Residence, this is Alan speaking," he said. "Who is calling?"

"Alan, where is that no good brother of yours?" a very angry and familiar female voice shouted.

"Mom, you are going to make me deaf if you keep on shouting at me. Shout at Charlie! Why are you angry at him in the first place?"

"I found out that I now have two new granddaughters and you ungrateful brother didn't bother to tell me!"

"Mom, in his defense, he didn't know until a paternity test determined that he is their father and thus you are their grandmother."

"I want to talk to him now!"

"Charlie, our mother wants to talk to you about her newly found granddaughters."

The object of Evelyn's ire arrived downstairs in a nearly hung over from the previous night's drinking debauchery.

"That She-Devil needs to butt out," Charlie protested as Alan shoved the phone to his face. "Hi Mom, what have you heard?"

"Charles Francis Harper, don't you play the naïve fool with me," Evelyn hissed. "You know damn well what I need to talk you about."

"You want to discuss my newly found daughters, who happen to be your granddaughters."

"Which one of your past one night stands did you knock up?"

"The mother is Julianne, my ex-fiancée."

"You mean to tell me that you knocked her up prior to breaking up with her. What kind of a man are you?"

"I didn't know Julianne was pregnant when I dumped her."

"I am going to call in some favors. I plan to call Aaron and the other attorney. This is for your own good as well as mine. I want to meet them."

The doorbell rang and Alan went to open the door. When Charlie saw who it was, he nearly dropped the phone.

"Charlie Harper, after all these you haven't changed much," Julianne sarcastically smirked. "I see that you are still residing at the Malibu beach house that we were supposed live happily ever after in."

"Julianne, I have my mom on the phone," Charlie hissed. "We were just talking about you and the girls."

"Charlie, that She-Devil needs to butt out," Julianne shouted to make sure Evelyn heard it and grabbed the receiver from Charlie's hand. "Evelyn, you have a problem. You are a toxic human being….My lawyer and Charlie's lawyer are both working together to negotiate visitation rights…. No, I will not give you her name and number…. I have to talk to Charlie alone. Bye!"

Oh boy, my problems have recently gotten worse, Charlie thought.

Julianne had already hung up and sat on the sofa. She had crossed her legs and invited Charlie to sit next to her.

"So Charlie, it has been years since we last saw each other," Julianne said. "What have you been up to?"

"I am still writing jingles," Charlie explained. "I recently became a singer and songwriter of children's music. A few years ago, I took in my brother after his first wife threw him out of their house. My nephew, Jake, stays with us on weekends and when his mother wants him out of her hair. The She-Devil got married for the fifth time, but her husband died on their wedding day. We learned that he was a con who was after the She-Devil's money. He also had a 'daughter' who wasn't really his daughter. She was actually his partner in crime and they weren't related. So, what have you been up to?"

"I became a high school history teacher after having the girls," Julianne replied. "I was married for five years, but it ended in divorce. I haven't dated much since I am focused on my career and raising Isabella and Madison. I guess my life was more mundane than yours."

"Don't worry about that, everyone's lives are different."

"Are you dating anyone?"

"I have one night stands, but I am trying to change that. So, when can I meet my daughters?"

"My lawyer told your lawyer that you could meet them as soon as next week."

"Do they know about me?"

"As soon as I learned about the results, I told them immediately. They are looking forward to meeting you. Charlie, it was nice to see you again and catch up, but I got to go home. I have to grade papers and prepare dinner. Here is my phone number. We'll be in touch."

"Thank you and I am looking forward to meeting the girls."

After Charlie and Julianne kissed and embrace, Julianne left. Alan popped out of nowhere, but he didn't scare Charlie.

"So, is Karma about to come full circle?" Alan asked.

"Shut the fuck up, Alan," Charlie hissed. "I need you to tell Jake to be on his best behavior when the girls visit. No belching! No farting or fart jokes!"

"Oh, good luck with that! However, I will tell him to be a gentleman."

"That's all I am asking of him."

TBC (MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN! MEEEEEEEN!)


	6. Cousin Jake Is a ToiletTrained Gorilla

Two and a Half Men Plus Two Girls

Charlie/OC

The twins are about to meet their father, uncle and cousin. The girls have their opinion about their newly found cousin Jake.

A/N: This is my very first 'Two and a Half Men' fan fiction story. Please bear with me!

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Two and Half Men', CBS and Warner Brothers does. I only own my original characters.

Cousin Jake Is a Toilet-Trained Gorilla

"So when do I meet my nieces?" Alan asked.

"Julianne is going to bring them after they have their volleyball practice," Charlie said.

"Whoa, did someone say 'volleyball' as in beach volleyball?" Jake asked as he emerged from the balcony.

"Your cousins play volleyball, but it is indoor volleyball, Taterhead," Charlie said.

"Gee, you didn't have to insult me!" Jake walked towards his room.

"At around what time we are expecting them?"

"In about two hours."

"Will Grandma be here?"

"Of course she'll be here! She wants to make sure they are here and they're mine!"

Two hours later, Evelyn showed up. She was wearing a coral skirt suit with a matching floral print shell.

"Alan, where is that ingrate brother of yours?" she asked an extremely nervous Alan. "Where are my new granddaughters? What about my grandson?"

"Charlie is getting a drink," he replied. "Julianne didn't bring them yet. Jake is sulking in his room. Charlie!"

"What!" Charlie whined as he entered the living room carrying a drink and saw his mother. "Hello Satan!"

"Why do you hate me so much? I gave you and your brother life. At least give me some respect so death would not be so disappointing!"

"You are toxic She-Devil!"

Before Evelyn could come up with a response to Charlie's comment, there was a knock on the door. Out of nowhere, Berta appeared and opened the door. Julianne was at the door with a teenage girl flanked on each side. One girl was petite had blue eyes and brunette hair she resembled Julianne. The other girl was taller and a blonde with brown eyes. She resembled Charlie, but with softer and more feminine features.

"Hello, I am Berta," Berta introduced herself. "I am Charlie's housekeeper."

"I am Julianne," Julianne said as she and her daughters entered. "These are Isabella and Madison. Girls this is Berta, your father's housekeeper."

"Mom, where is our father?" the blonde asked.

"I am you daddy," Charlie replied. "You must be Isabella."

"No, I am Madison," the blonde replied.

"I am Isabella," the brunette chimed in and looked at her father's glass. "Are you drunk?"

"No girls, he didn't know which is which," Julianne said.

"I am your uncle Alan," Alan shook his nieces' hands.

"Pleased to meet you," Isabella and Madison smiled.

"I am your grandmother," Evelyn said. "One of these days, we should go shopping and have some girl talk. Oh, you can call me Grandmommy."

"Jake, your cousins Madison and Isabella are here!"

As if on cue, Jake ran from his room to the living room. He greeted Evelyn and Julianne without any problem. However, when he introduced himself to Isabella and Madison, he was slightly oafish. Charlie cringed with embarrassment.

"Hey Jake, they are your first cousins," Charlie hissed. "You don't flirt with family!"

"This coming from a man who wanted to marry our stepsister Courtney," Alan said. "Also, the same man who wanted to sleep with our potential half-sister Gloria."

"In my defense, Courtney is a con artist. Gloria and I were drunk. Dammit Alan, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Jake, what I was trying to say is that you don't flirt with family. You could have a child and possibly a grandchild that would grow up to be a stalker."

As if on cue, Rose entered the house through the deck. The twins were intrigued by this new, yet uninvited guest.

"Charlie Harper, are you having a party and haven't invited me?" Rose asked with indignant disgust in her voice.

"Rose, this isn't a party," Charlie explained. "I am meeting my twin daughters for the first time today!"

"You have twin daughters? Where are they? I want to meet them!"

"Rose, this is Madison and Isabella. Madison and Isabella, this is Rose, my stalker."

The girls and Rose shook hands and exchanged their 'enchantees'. Rose was amazed that the twins were fluent in French and struck up a brief conversation. Charlie had to pry Rose away from the two girls.

"Charlie, what's the big deal?" Rose asked. "I am only trying to be nice."

"No, you are using them to get to me!"

"Well, if that's how you feel, I am leaving! Isabella and Madison, it has been a pleasure to meet you!"

"You too, Rose!" Madison and Isabella replied in unison as Rose left the house through the deck.

The rest of the meet and greet went off with barely a hitch. Unfortunately, Alan and Charlie's attempt to get Jake to behave in front of Julianne and the girls failed. The teenage boy had more than once farted and belched without apologizing. He even told some fart jokes which embarrassed everyone else in the room. Alan ordered Jake to go to his room and that they will have a long talk later. When Julianne finally told the girls it was time that they get home, Charlie hoped that they weren't offended by Jake's behavior.

"Cousin Jake is a toilet-train gorilla," Isabella finally said. "Uncle Alan is an okay guy, but kind of a dork. Charlie, I mean Dad, is a cool guy!"

"You said it," Berta said as she high-fived the twins. "I like you better than that obnoxious cousin of yours!"

"Girls, let's go!" Julianne shouted as she left the house. "Charlie, we will be in touch and I mean it!"

"Okay!" Charlie said. "Call me when you get home so I know you got home safely. Nice to finally meet you girls! Stay safe!"

"Isabella and I are pleased to meet you, too Dad!" Madison said as she and Isabella ran out of the house.

TBC (MEN MEN MEN MEN MEEEEEEEN)


End file.
